Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Last Post

This will be my last post until after Gavin's surgery. Last night was hard, I couldn't sleep. I don't know if this is what the rest of the week will be like but I held Gavin most of the night. I have so many mixed emotions right now and I want to share something I wrote in my journal during one of the days that Gavin was in PICU during his first surgery. It describes how Adam and I feel right now.



As I sit in this room watching you and staring at all of the machines your are hooked up to, it makes me scared. I realize though that I have to have strength because you do. You have been so strong through this. You have inspired me to be a better and stronger person. I will always be here for you, I will never leave you. I am proud to say "I am his mother". The love I felt the day you were born is indescribable and it only becomes more and more intense everyday. I just wish I could walk in this room and not cry. It's not just that I am sad, I am ecstatic that you are alive and that I can watch your precious heart beat through your open chest. Your daddy loves you so much. He keeps mommy strong. He is so upbeat and positive about everything. He will always love you and take care of you. He will always be there for you. I cant wait for the years to come, I cant wait to see you crawl, hear your first word, see you walk, laugh, play, cry and be a child of God. I love you Gavin and no one can take that away. I cant wait for your first day of kindergarten and the day you graduate from high school, why? because that will be another milestone in your life and I will be so proud of all you have accomplished. You amaze me, oh how I love you more than life itself. Stay strong for momma and I promise to stay strong for you.

I love you buddy!

xoxo, Mommy

It's a beautiful day up in heaven. Jesus is rounding up his tiniest angels, to go live on earth, and be born. One of the sweetest angels says to Jesus "I don't want to leave, I like it here, and I will miss you". He reassures the scared little angel that everything will be okay, and that the angel is just going for a visit. The little angel is still not swayed on this idea. So Jesus kneels down, and says, "How about if you leave half of your heart here with me and take the other half with you, will that be okay?" The angel smiles and says, "I guess that will work". But the little angel is still a little scared. He asks, "Will I be okay with only half of my heart?" Jesus replies, "Of course you will, I have other angels there that will help out, and you will be fine." Then Jesus gives the angel more details about his plan. He says "When you are born, your mommy will be scared, so you have to be strong, and when you feel weak just remember that I have the other half of your heart." "Enjoy your time with your family, play and laugh everyday." "And when its time to come back to heaven, I will make your heart whole again. Always remember that you are not broken, just torn between two loves."

-Author Unknown


erika said...

Adam and Faith,

What a fantastic letter - it truly captures all of the emotions of having to watch a child go through what our kids go through.

As for the Glenn - what you are feeling is so completely normal - and to be expected!!!!

I remember all too well the days before Sammy's Glenn. Handing him over that day was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I don't think I slept for weeks before - most of the time was spent rocking him and crying. So you're not alone in that!

Gavin is a strong little man. And try to find some comfort in that the Glenn has the easiest, fastest recovery time - and the highest survival rate - almost 100%! Your little man will be so much stronger after this, and he has all those amazing milestones to look forward to!

One thing that really helped us - I don't know if Gavin has started solids - but we saved Sammy's first real solids - bananas - for a celebratory meal when we were close to going home. It gave us something to look forward to and to feel good about.

I don't know that I could possibly say anything to make this time easier, but know that we are here for you - ANYTIME. Call WHENEVER!!!!! We may have never met, but we love you guys and we love little Gavin and we will be sending all our strength your way.

Davis Family said...

We will continue to pray for you all as you head into this next chapter. May God Bless and keep you all safely in his hand.
Roberta & family

Max's Family said...

Oh, Faith, how I can relate to how I think you must be feeling. I remember holding Max the night before his surgery to place his shunt in his brain. I didn't want to leave the hospital that night and I didn't want to let him go. Yesterday I was talking to someone about Max's experiences and I just cried and cried. There is probably nothing more difficult than seeing your child go through something like this. I think it's awesome, though, that God knows what that is like. My sister found a song when Max was in the hospital that I love. She just burned it on a CD and gave it to me this weekend and I will always think of Max when I hear it, but I have really thought of you, Gavin and Adam here lately. It's called My Son by Mark Schultz. Warning - it will make you cry. You are all in my prayers daily and I think of you so often.
Love, Kelly

KohensMomma said...

We're continuing to pray for you!
That letter is amazing, and I hope you keep it and give it to him when he has grown into a young man and can appreciate all the love you have for him.
He seems to be a strong and determined little man. Good Luck and we'll be praying for your family, and for everyone who touchs little Gavin in the hospital

Anonymous said...

Dear Faith and Adam...I wish so much that there was something that I could say that would make you feel better. Please know that we are keeping you all in our thoughts and prayers. Your family and friend support is amazing....There are always so many messages of love left to you and little Gavin. He is loved so much by so many people. He is a very lucky little boy to have you for his mommy and daddy...you can see the love you have for him just by seeing his beautiful face and smile in his pictures and also by the beautiful words that you write to him and about him.

I think that for parents, one of the hardest things we have to do is watch our little one who we love so much go through such a difficult time. Seeing our babies go through these surgeries is very hard but we must remember that the surgeries make them stronger. Gavin is already so strong and he will only get stronger. God is protecting Gavin. I pray for your strength through this next stage.

Sending lots of prayers and hugs to you from this "Heart Family" in Kansas. We will be keeping you in our thoughts, prayers and hearts as you prepare for this next part of your journey.

The Voss Family

Bill Walden said...

Adam, Faith and Gavin, My prayers are with you as you approach this next surgery. You all are such strong, wonderful people. I think of your family often. Will be eagerly awaiting the next post to see how Gavin is doing.

Erin said...

I love your journal entry, as well as the poem! You and Adam have been so very strong and faithful ever since you found out about Gavin's heart condition. The 3 of you are always in my prayers, as well as the prayers of everyone we go to church with. I pray that God will comfort you and Adam with His peace and love as you go through this next phase of surgery; I pray that God will guide the hands and minds of Gavin's medical team; and I pray God will bless Gavin with a quick and healthy recovery. God is definitely with you during this anxious and stressful time; try to release your cares to Him. Love you!!

Kimberly said...

Oh the letter made me cry! We are praying you two and Gavin! He is the most gorgeous guy ever!

Butterfly Girl said...

Adam and Faith,

Fround you through Erika's blog. You have such a cutie there. I noticed you live in Oklahoma somewhere, I also live in Oklahoma. Just wanted to let you know that you and yours will be in my thoughs and prayers.

marnie said...

Sent over by Erika... will be keeping Gavin in our prayers...

Max's Family said...

You all have been in my thoughts and prayers continuously today. I find myself checking frequently to see if there has been an update. Always praying...Kelly